Dear Diary,

Ryan keeps a journal for the kids on his laptop and the other day he showed me this entry that I took the liberty to repost here :)


09-21-11
It’s 3:20 a.m. on a Wednesday morning. Charlie woke up around 2:40 crying
because she was scared. All of our kids have had bad dreams at very young
ages. I went upstairs to calm her down and she said she wanted to come
sleep downstairs in my bed. Out of the question, says I, as I am very
interested in a better sleep than she would allow for if she were in my
bed. Also, her diapers leak, and I don’t want to wake up two hours from
now in a puddle of her urine on my mattress. Plus, I don’t want her to
wake her Mom up. So I calm her down and tell her she has to sleep in her
own bed and I sing her a song, Sweet Carolina by Ryan Adams. She calms
down a bit reluctantly and says she wants her bed to be cold. Well it is
a little warm upstairs so I turn on her ceiling fan. She says she wants
crystal light and a pillow. So I come downstairs on a middle of the night
treasure hunt for her sippy cup, find it, fill it with crystal light, grab
her pillow and take them back upstairs to her. I remind her that everyone
is sleeping and not to talk anymore or wake them up. “Do you understand
me?” I ask with a little harshness in my voice so she understands I’m
serious. She nods a reluctant yes. So I, only half believing she’ll
stick to our arrangement, wearily come back downstairs to my welcoming
bed. Not two minutes later she is calling out for Brody, and saying that
she is scared. Well, I’m upset. I have to make another trip upstairs
where I firmly remind her that she is suppose to be quiet and that she is
waking everyone up. She’s scared of the little green light on the fire
alarm. “No, you don’t be scared of that, it’s there to keep you safe.”
“I want Mom.” “No she’ s sleeping. “ I” want to sleep in your room.”
“No, you have to sleep in your own bed. “ And once more I firmly tell her
that she needs to be quiet. Everyone is sleeping and if she talks again
she is going to get spanked. Go to sleep. And again I trudge downstairs,
for the last time I’m hoping. Four minutes later, I hear her quietly
calling for Brody. Then a little louder, and louder. So I angrily get
out of bed and go back upstairs to give her her promised spank. She is
facing Brody and longingly calling out for him, with wonder in her voice
as to why he is not answering. Brody sleeps in a coma, you see, and can’t
be woken by anything other than an inconvenient early hour that is just
early enough to be annoying to his parents who enjoy their morning sleep.
But he is nearly impossible to awaken in the middle of the night. A
perfect roommate for Charlie on night’s like these. But Charlie doesn’t
know that and so she, scared as she is, is calling out to him hoping for a
hero. Instead she gets mean old angry Dad coming up behind her and
spanking her. “I said to be quiet and go to sleep! You are waking
everyone up!” Then I calm her down and go through the agreement again.
“You need to sleep in your own bed, you need to be quiet. I already got
you your pillow and some crystal light. It’s time to go to sleep. You
don’t be scared. Are you going to go to sleep?” “I need to go pee pee,”
she says. “If I let you go pee pee will you go to sleep?” She nods yes,
so I get her up and take her to the bathroom. This is when I get a
glimpse into the sweet, innocent, beautifully simple mind of my two year
old. As she is going pee pee, I tell her again that she can’t be calling
Brody because he needs his sleep for school in the morning. She so
sweetly looks up to me and says, “But he wasn’t answering me, and I was
scared.” How simple. Dad, I’m scared. I don’t know why, but I need a
hero and since you’re not helping, I was hoping Brody would. I got more
scared when he wasn’t answering me.
So I calm down, wipe her bum and put her diaper back on. When I’m
finished I say, “Okay let’s go back to bed”. Wynin (Ryan), can I please
sleep in your room on the floor?” she says with the biggest eyes and with
the most longing, and followed with “I’m scared”. For my half-hearted
last effort I say, “You don’t be scared. You go to sleep. If you go to
sleep you won’t be scared.” “Yes I will” she says, still wearing the
daddy melting eyes. “Okay….but you don’t talk to your Mom. She’s
sleeping. If you call for Mom I will bring you right back upstairs to
your own bed.” Not understanding fully as she has been repeatedly told
no on this, she asks again, “Please can I sleep on your floor? Jus fo a
lil’ bit?” And I’m overcome with sympathy. She’s won. That face. That
sweet, sincere face that wants nothing more than a feeling of safety. I’m
powerless. So I pick her up and she wraps those soft arms around me, so
clearly grateful that she won’t have to be scared any more. And we come
downstairs. And so she sleeps, finally and peacefully on my floor,
keeping her promise and not calling out for or waking up her Mom. And I
willingly lose more sleep to write this sweet experience down before it
slips into the clutter of the rest of life that happens so quickly. I
love that girl. I love the innocence and beauty of all of my children.
They are so sweet. They have such a simple way of thinking and being.
How amazing it would be to have such simple clarity, such simple desires
and such simple satisfaction. Chopin said, “It is simplicity that emerges
with all its charm as the great seal upon art.” In life as well I suppose
that is true.