I want to write about how things are going with Charlotte but right now it seems exhausting to put some thought into it. Posting pictures of something fun with the kids is so mindless and easy but having to write my feelings?
First off, I am so grateful for the prayers, well wishes, support and encouraging words from friends and family. It helps more than you realize.

We left the hospital last Thursday and Friday ended up being quite an emotional day. I took Charlotte to the endocrinologist in South Jordan and the appointment took 3 hours. I had not planned on 3 hours PLUS driving time. We had 3 days of Diabetes education at the hospital and I made sure I understood it, the Dr. completely changed it. I was so confused. A little note about a diabetes diet, I check her blood sugar before each meal, if it is too high, I give her a shot. Then I make her meal, figure out how many carbs are in it (you count carbs not sugar) then decide how many she actually ate and then give her another shot depending on how many carbs she ate. He wants her snacks to be just protein, no carbs. The hospital taught me about counting carbs but they said just give her one shot after she eats for her blood sugar being too high and for her carbs and she can eat whatever she wants as a snack as long as it is less than 15 grams of carbs. Sounded easy, pretty much able to stick to normal life routine. But no, he changed it, but for good reason. He wants to get her blood sugar regulated and to keep her healthy all her life. So since being in the hospital all week, I hadn't been to the grocery store and had no clue what to make for dinner. It is now 5:15 p.m. as I am exiting the freeway trying to think of dinner. Beef Stroganoff. At the store Charlotte was crying and was clearly hungry. I was stressed because I didn't know what to give her, I couldn't think under pressure and just handed her a banana clueless about the amount of carbs. She never really stopped and kept asking for more food. We got home and I was trying to fix diner and count carbs and measure everything for her. Finally I decided, forget it, the kid is eating bacon and eggs, no carbs, I can't handle it. My house was a mess, Charlotte was hungry and it was all too overwhelming, I couldn't do it. I didn't want to do it. Why can't we just go back to 4 weeks ago when she was "normal" and healthy and she could eat whatever she wanted. This is too hard, I don't want to do it. I am forever grateful for a friend of mine who told me she had type 1 diabetes after hearing about Charlotte. I called her after my little break down and it was such a comfort to talk to someone who understood and knew this sucks. Not someone telling me "I'm sorry" but telling me "yeah, I hate it sometimes and wish I was normal, it's hard." I have told her quite a few times how grateful I am to her for letting me know, it has been a comfort to have someone who can relate and who can give me advice and answer questions. Saturday I was in a bit of a haze. All I wanted to do was go for a long run by myself with good music playing on my ipod. 6 miles never felt so good. I just needed to be alone. I saw my mother-in-law and told her how I was feeling and worried that I would always feel in a haze and diabetes would consume my thoughts and dreams. She hadn't really expressed to me how she felt when she found out her son had diabetes until then and told me she was the same way. She got short with her other kids, her focus was always on blood sugar and meals and she couldn't think of anything else. I was so relieved to know that how I was feeling was okay and that it would get better. I feel bad for her that she went through it by herself. I am so blessed to have her and my friends experience.

So now that I am almost at the week mark of flying solo, I have figured it out. I call the Dr, every night to talk about Charlie's blood levels and he lets me know if I need to change her insulin doses and the kids are learning that if they want certain snacks that Charlotte can't eat, they can't eat in front of her. I still have moments when this doesn't seem real. And I have moments when I wish we could go back in time to how things were before. But this is life now and everyday is life or death for Charlotte so I can't just quit and give up. She will have me to blame for her bad health if I don't take care of her and teach her now. And it has come to feel more like normal life. The other day I decided to pull out my weight watchers stuff because if I was already reading every label and counting carbs, I might as well count points while I'm at it :)